My dearest Patrick,
It has now been exactly one year since we learned about your existence.
Your presence was announced softly – two light lines on a test.
It was February 5, 2018 at 3:00 in the afternoon. Your daddy had started his new job that very day. I had an inkling that you might be hiding in me, but the probability was very, very low. It was almost impossible.
But you were there.
And I am so very glad.
You kept yourself a secret for two months. All that time, I had a partner hitching a ride inside of me, and I never knew it. You came into being sometime around December – we don’t really know when exactly. You were there for Christmas, for the new year, at the Rose Parade. You were growing, stretching, and bathing in a pool of medication and caffeine. I am so sorry that you started out in such an inhospitable environment.
We had a rough time, you and I, for the next seven months. I did my best, and I know you did, too. It is a testament to your strength and perseverance that you developed and grew despite my 12 hospitalizations and 48-pound weight loss. You not only grew, but you thrived. I still don’t know how you did it. I am in awe of you, sweet boy.
And then, after weathering family deaths, tragedies, and the hottest summer on record (with a broken air conditioner for most of it), it was time for you to make your official entrance into this world.
I knew you intimately, but it was finally time to put a face to the greatest gift I have ever received. To see the fierce feet that kicked against my stomach. To feel the little hands that my body knit and imprinted with unique fingerprints. The tummy that constantly shook with hiccups every night, making me chuckle even though I was exhausted and wanted to sleep. I wanted to breathe you in, stroke your hair, and whisper to you how much you are loved.
Your birth was not easy. But it was good. You made it, and so did I.
I am so proud of you. Of us. We did it.
I wanted you, oh so badly, for a long time. I did not think it would be possible for me to ever be a mommy. You surprised us at exactly the right time. I was lost and unsure about the next step to take. Then you came, and everything changed.
I gave you life.
And you saved mine.